Toddlers & Tiara's; An Honest Review

"Show me your sassy face," said one of the mothers to her little princess as she stomped her foot down in beautiful 3 year-old defiance.

I am fascinated by culture, society and the things that people will do to their children.  So naturally, TLC's hit show Toddlers & Tiaras is the perfect combination of the Perfect Storm meeting the Perfect Train Wreck.  There is so much blood spilling on the screen, I cannot turn away.  The body parts are thrown all over the tracks, picked up by the wind and blown around in an orgy of distaste.

The Children: 

The episodes I've seen highlight girls between the ages of about 3 to around 8 years old.  I've watched young children go through spray tanning, made to wear wigs, having their eyebrows plucked, doused in layers of make-up and that's only the beginning.  I watched one child tell her mother right before she was to go on stage that she had to "potty".  Her mother told her that she had a pull-up on and it was alright for her to urinate in her pants.  Mother of the Year, if you asked me. 

I truly feel sympathy for these young girls.  I can only imagine what some of them will become as they get older.  I don't even need to explain, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  They really don't have a chance.  I can only imagine that the tantrums they throw on the show will translate to even bigger problems as they grow older.  Instead of stomping their feet, they will be bullying some "ugly" kid or spreading their legs for the Prom King in order to feel important.

The Moms: 

Where to begin?  I've seen many of the mothers bribe their young daughters to perform on stage, kind of like how someone will give their dog a treat when it sits down and doesn't potty in the house.  Many of the mothers bribe their precious daughters with pixie sticks, sugar cubes, sodas and bubble gum in order to get them to prance around the stage in pursuit of a crown.

A couple incredibly amazing things I noticed in about 90% of all the mothers profiled…………. they are either aesthetically grotesque, overweight or a hideous combination of both.  You can almost see the longing in their eyes while their daughters are performing on stage, the longing of what they never had when they were children; attention and love.  Instead, they live vicariously through their little princesses.  They sadly look for their own validation in a tiny crown and $200 savings bond when their daughter wins. 

To sum the mothers up; after one girl didn't win, her mother said that she lost because the winner's mother was a friend of the judges.  "If I was friends with the judges, my girl would have won."  Wow, what a great lesson to teach your impressionable child.  This same mom told her daughter that if she didn't wear her hairband correctly, she would look like Dumbo.  Words cannot describe how badly I wanted to hug her poor little child.

The Dads: 

Where is your manhood?  Most of the dads aren't shown and the ones who do allow themselves to be filmed should run and hide; run and hide very far away.  There is nothing better than a dad standing in the audience trying to show his little girl how to strut her attitude while she's on stage.  Go ahead, turn in your Man-Card, your life is officially over.  TLC should do a spinoff called, "Mommy Beats My Daddy and He Likes It."

The Judges:

The show doesn't spend a lot of time on the judges, but when they are shown, it's no less shocking than anything else.  Most of them look like they haven't figured out that sweet tea and sausage biscuits aren't healthy.  It's kind of like an obese nurse telling you that you need to lose weight.  The main thing the judges and moms have in common is that you literally see the crazy dripping out of their eyes when they are being interviewed.  The tears of insanity drip down their cheeks as they describe the wonderfulness of these pageants.

Summary:

I believe TLC stands for "The Learning Channel."  I want to thank TLC for helping me learn that Toddlers & Tiaras is a sadistic, parade of poor self esteem and even poorer parenting.  Go ahead, keep dressing your little girls up like grown-up whores.  Just don't be surprised when she ends up sexting and meeting some 65 year-old pedophile she met online at McDonalds one day.   And don't be surprised when she starts snorting Xanax when she gains 100 pounds and none of the boys like her anymore.  But at least thank your little girls for helping you feel better about yourself and helping you feel wanted.  Sad, really.

"Contestant #43's ambition is to one day use a big-big girl potty," from one of the emcee's.  Yep, that pretty much says it all.  

There, I've shown you my "sassy face" and I give Toddlers & Tiaras a BIG THUMBS DOWN.